The loss of a loved one triggers pain and anguish. While some believe that a few weeks or months is adequate for grieving, research and experience demonstrate that grief affects each of us differently and so our responses vary.
With the holiday season upon us, we will engage in family celebrations and reuniting connections. Even in a person’s darkest moments, there is usually time for enjoying family and friends. Holidays also bring reminders of past gatherings - solid then, but with a gap now.
Death, divorce, and disputes antagonize loneliness and sorrow. Being prepared may make the toughest recollections more bearable.
Jancee Dunn in her article, “One Thing Never to Say to a Grieving Friend” brings to mind the care I must take when interacting with those who have lost a loved one — recently or sometimes many years ago.
While the title states “one thing” she actually hits on many words that may cause renewed aching starting with, “Everything happens for a reason.” Although some will accept this phrase, others find it only makes them feel worse. Dunn cites Dr. David Kessler who heard this response when he lost his son. His response? “I could use a good reason [right now].” Even seemingly kind words may not be well received.
Overall, we have not been taught how to respond to grief. We grasp at handy phrases to fill the space of not knowing what to say. Even when we have experienced devastating loss, my behavior will not be the same as anyone else’s.
We grieve in our own ways, to meet our own needs. Another recommended response to that unwelcome platitude is, “I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m just doing my best, day by day.” Maybe if someone just stated, “I’m here for you” or “Call any time — day or night” or “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I am here to help.”
My niece who lost her husband to glioblastoma told me that a comment that digs deeply is, “You are doing so well.” Yes, she thought, perhaps at this moment I am but catch me at midnight or when I am alone…” Spending time with her recently I am reminded that even though he died two years ago, the number of hours, days, weeks, months, years, means nothing.
Loss hurts. I lost my dad over 50 years ago — the unfairness of it lingers; my mom died 30+ years ago — my friend and confidant, I miss her every day.
I realize these paragraphs are emotional downers, but I hope that being sensitive to conversations in which you may engage you will be ready.
And a reminder, sometimes the individual creating sadness is still living, but is lost in a fog of dementia. I truly believe that no matter the mental depths, we all know and feel love and being loved.
Which brings me to Part 2 — equilibrium and disequilibrium. You will recall from psychology that when we are befuddled and confused, angst exists.
We deal with it and hopefully transform it to truth and understanding. That transports us to equilibrium where everything is good and in order. While the first, disequilibrium, is not satisfying and can lead to anger and lashing out, without it we cannot grow, expand our thought processes, and improve understanding.
We may struggle and fight for minutes, hours, or days, but retrieving a solution, temporary or long-term, results in mental growth and stamina.
These may link right back to grief: the process brings us to fuller acceptance and fortified knowledge. We may slip back, but we learn that we can also move forward.
To extend these ideas the new director of the Northern California/Northern Nevada Alzheimer’s Association, Ken Toren, enters from the business world. There the saying is “Disruption versus Transformation.”
Advertising disrupts our thinking by offering transformation to our purchasing outlook to the new and better. The bothersome irritation of a dead battery brings us to joyful starts with a new one slipped under the hood. Disruptive, negative thoughts as you climb out of bed early on Thanksgiving morning to slip into warm clothes and a Turkey Trot sweatshirt dissipate as you step from your snug car into rain, snow, or sunshine, to link with 300 others in a community fundraiser and mind transforming time of positivity and happiness. Whether participants walk, run, or ride a bike a feeling of accomplishment wraps around each person for the rest of the day.