Two little words, five letters combined. Why are they so hard to say? The truth is that a lot of good people have a hard time accepting help from others and at the same time, can’t seem to say no, even when they should.
I’ve been proudly self reliant and used going it alone most of my life. At the very same time, I’ve had a pattern of giving too much to some people who ended up disappointing me or taking advantage. I know I’m not alone, so I just thought I’d share my own experience and forward progress on better incorporating yes and no into my daily life.
In the aftermath of losing Fred, I really began to appreciate that when friends and neighbors offer to help, (and you need it), swallow your pride and say yes. Proverbs 11:2 reminds us “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Giving friends and family a way to express their sympathy and support was and is healing for all of us. Obviously, it’s important to never take advantage and always do your best to repay kindness; but, it’s also important to be humble enough to let others help when you need it and they are willing and able. Another part of learning to say yes, is being willing to take calculated risks. If you ever want the big payoffs in life, taking the occasional leap of faith and saying yes is necessary.
On the flip side of learning to say YES, and have a problem saying NO, and find yourself getting taken advantage of, at some point you have to admit that you may be too giving upfront, and may be at least partially responsible for the failures of others because you did not lay out specific expectations in advance and/or failed to strictly hold others to account. Sometimes we say yes because we feel pressured or backed into a corner. In my case, I know that I am an optimist who genuinely wants to see the best in others. I want to believe that people will do what they promise. Fortunately or unfortunately, experience has taught me that the best guide to who someone will be going forward is who they have been in the past. The expression “the past is prologue” is really very true.
The other really important truth is that it’s absolutely okay to look after yourself first and say NO. Furthermore, no explanation is necessary when you say no. In fact, giving explanations just generates arguments, especially from those most likely to take advantage. While it’s true that saying no closes one door, it also opens the possibility of other opportunities and growth.
In the end, becoming deft at appropriately saying yes and no requires experience, self confidence, a healthy doses of humility, self awareness, and a clear view of the people around you. Learning to flex these muscles can be painful; but, gets a little easier each time you do it, and definitely makes you a better and stronger person.
Kris Stewart is a rancher in Paradise Valley, NV.