A few weeks ago, an old friend of mine passed away. I hadn’t seen him in four years, and he moved away from here more than a decade ago. Of late, our contact had been mostly texts and Facebook. He’d had heart problems for years so while sad, it was no surprise when he entered hospice and passed a couple days later. He had been a neighbor and frequent visitor here at the ranch and I have many very fond memories of his visits.
I phoned his wife on Friday just to check in and send my love and prayers. She is struggling; not only with the loss of her husband, but with the mess he left behind. My friend always seemed busy, but apparently, his business had struggled and he took a lot of risks that ultimately ran up a huge debt that his wife is left to deal with. It was hard to hear that truth at a time when I thought we’d be sharing old stories and reminiscing. Knowing his wife’s good character, I knew that it was as difficult for her to share her truth as it was for me to hear it.
Knowing that grieving people need one thing most, I just listened and let her unload. I could tell that it helped her to vocalize her burdens, fears and disappointments. When she finished, I did what I thought best, I asked if I could help her organize what she had to deal with and made a couple basic suggestions on getting at least part of the debt written off or forgiven. I stayed with her and her concerns, and didn’t let myself return to discussing my old friend. We made a little plan and put two zoom calls on our calendars so I could help her through at least part of this difficult process.
When we finished, I could tell that she was in tears. She apologized for bringing up her troubles and thanked me for calling and being a good friend to she and her husband for decades. I told her that she had nothing to apologize for and that friends listen and help each other in these situations. I also told her that it was okay to be disappointed in where she’d been left financially, and that we would work through as much of it as we could. Once we got through this process, she’d be better able to remember her husband in a more balanced and positive light. She agreed and we said goodbye to each other.
After a loss, it’s very normal to remember only the best about someone; but, it’s very important to be sensitive to family who may be dealing with the less saintly side of their passing or their affairs. It doesn’t mean that we love a departed friend less, it just means that we need to focus on the living and helping them recover.
Over the next couple months, I’ll be scheduling Griefshare one day workshops on Surviving the Holidays and the Loss of a Spouse. If you are hurting, check out our local schedule for meetings at Griefshare.org, Winnemucca Nevada.
Kris Stewart is a rancher in Paradise Valley, Nevada.