I have heard that second term before, but thought little about its value until reading the article by Adam Grant, author of Think Again. The word enemy is well defined and understood. An enemy equals opponent, adversary, antagonist, and rival, all rather pleasant terms for what the enemy’s behavior may elicit.
The opposite of an ally, an enemy is out to “get cha” through war, attack, antagonization, or just plain orneriness. We do our darndest to avoid this bully, this jerk, but sometimes that is impossible.
We learn to be wary, on guard, and ready for the just-in-case assault. It seems like we even learn to live with the animosity because we are aware and prepared for either avoidance or a counter-attack. With a frenemy, however, tactics require a different approach.
A frenemy is our supposed friend who helps, but often hurts. My experiences include people who talk a lot, rarely listen, are quick to correct, and are judgmental. These people may praise my efforts publicly but then deny them in private or worse, take credit for an idea that I put forth but someone else proclaims credit for even though explaining it in logical terms is impossible for this individual. Stress, frustration, and agony color a frenemy relationship.
Each encounter brings on a sick stomach and bodily angst. Research demonstrates that these damage personal health even more so than a purely negative relationship. In one study high blood pressure occurred rapidly after interactions with people who induced mixed feelings of support. Ambivalent relationships may bring on depression and excess tension. Heart rates spike when stress steps in and blood pressure climbs.
In another experiment people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics. Without speakers’ knowledge, they received negative and wishy-washy comments such as “Nice try, but wow you have really created an opinion/idea headed for disaster, but you are doing fine, I guess.”
Recognize the mix of positive and negative? Good job/bad job/oh, well… the jumbled review results in higher anxiety than pure criticism: “You are nuts!” In the second response, the recipient realizes that nothing worked so just drop it and step away while the first prompted hope then no hope, and then maybe a little hope all while accepting that the frenemy really has neither heard nor evaluated a word of the presentation. Overall, we agonize over such responses as we determine where we actually stand.
In a class presented by Meggin McIntosh, she explained the non-use of the word “but”. Notice the double entendre in the first quote above. “But”, according to Dr. McIntosh, discounts the entire proposition. For example, in giving feedback, I might state, “I love your haircut, but…” You see, no matter what is filled in, the positive has vanished within a single word.
My mind erases the love part then dwells on the negative that surely follows. This has me very conscious when offering a comment so I might say, “I love your haircut and I love how you styled it before.” Home safe.
Frenemies hurt us the most because we are slow to cross them off the friendship list. We figure we can handle them, endure the nastiness, forge ahead because it is the right thing to do, however, these people often take advantage and actually become abusive. Sometimes this is hard to distinguish, especially with forgiving souls and even more so when they have been close friends, or even worse, are family members. Part of unwrapping this tangled weave includes considering the how and why of another’s reactions and the how and why of my own. If our thoughts and actions can be reconciled perhaps there is hope. If not, well, rethink the situation.
A truth… As I reread Grant’s article in preparation for writing, a now acknowledged frenemy’s text message popped in. One glance at the sender’s name drew instant annoyance coated with anger. Upon reading it, my heart rate roared; sweat glands poured; intensity soared. What I might have ignored in the past generated a strong perception of frenemy.
The ol’ Gini might have nodded and sort of agreed or avoided the forthcoming confrontation altogether. Realizing that a relationship built on such is neither candid nor offering a solution; it is a charade. Maybe speaking in a thoughtful fashion could produce encouraging results. If my intent is not well received, though, I must accept that the relationship is not healthy and sadly might never be salvaged. Peace cannot thrive when sucked away by a frenemy.