Accountability is a concept that is easy to support, especially in others. The water usually gets a little muddier when it comes to applying the same standards to ourselves and our loved ones.
We all have soft spots, and if we don’t, we ought to. Forgiveness, second chances, and grace are concepts that we all need in our lives. So how do we walk the line between compassion, understanding and accountability?
The concepts don’t have to be diametrically opposed. It’s possible to allow natural consequences to play out while simultaneously being understanding and compassionate.
I think the key to getting the balance right, is to start early and try our best to be consistent. I know, easier said than done. When it comes to ourselves or those we love, we often delude ourselves into believing that our inside understanding of a situation or extenuating circumstances make our own conflict different. To an outsider, it looks like what it is, making excuses. Oh for that exceptionally clear vision that emotional distance gives us!
I think we can test the theory of whether we’ve hit the right balance by examining whether we make the same mistakes a lot more than once. If we do, odds are good that we or our loved ones have learned nothing from our past troubles except how to avoid facing them, again and again.
We can’t always blame a loved one entirely for lack of accountability. They learn what they live. I really think behind most lazy, entitled or criminal adults are parents who rarely held those children accountable. They made excuses, blamed others or simply found it easier to say nothing and bail their kids out, rather than make them face the consequences of their actions or inaction. The same goes for consistently misbehaving spouses who are not held accountable by their partners.
I’m no sage and I’m certainly not guiltless. I’m probably pretty lucky that we raised our child on a ranch, 46 miles from town. Chores are just a part of everyday life and living so far out naturally insulated her from some of the influences and elements that tempt and negatively impact other youngsters. I’m also not so smug as to think that I always hold myself properly to account. If I did, I wouldn’t have to buy bigger jeans on a regular basis. Do I wish I were tougher sometimes? Sure I do. I think we all wish we were better and more consistent.
I feel very sad for parents and families who have not been as fortunate as I have. What probably felt to them like love and support, was really shielding their loved one from responsibility for their own actions or inaction. Just as starting small and at the beginning teaching accountability, if we do the opposite, we are also teaching a lesson. Always being bailed out, never allowing someone we love to struggle and stand on their own, teaches as surely as the opposite lesson. As hard as it is to watch our loved ones fail, it’s so important that we allow them to do just that, and then stand back up and move forward. We can encourage, we can advise, and we should always pray; but, we must let them do the work, or they’ll never build the muscles they need to survive and thrive.
My daughter attended a practical ag program at college. Her horse production professor is a world class colt starter and trainer. He always reminded his students of something we should all internalize. “Every time you encounter a horse, whether walking by him in a barn, approaching him in a meadow or getting on him for a ride, you are teaching that horse a lesson. Nothing you do is wasted on him. He is learning something from every encounter. Remember that and be intentional in your actions.”
A friend recently offered a very thoughtful assessment of a family member in dire self-inflicted distress. She said “it’s not my journey, it’s his. My lesson from the Lord is patience and unconditional love while he walks his own path. I can’t control it if he goes off the rails; but, I can share God’s word with him, love him and pray for him “.
So simple but so very powerful.
Kris Stewart is a rancher from Paradise Valley, NV.