At times, it’s my considered opinion that cousins are better than siblings. I have both, so I think that I’m able to discuss the subject intelligently.
I wouldn’t want to part with either, but there are times when one subset of our human relations is far easier to deal with than the other.
I’m very close to my two siblings and nothing gets by them. They don’t hesitate to launch right in on tough subjects and hold me to account.
Oh, and those are their good qualities, haha haha! In truth, they are both wonderful people who I feel grateful to have in my life. Our relationships are very different. My brother and I are only 11 months apart in age.
He lives in Southern California near where we grew up and we usually talk monthly and when there is important news to share. He’s an excellent sounding board on business and is always willing to research things for me. I do the same for him. I also try to help him navigate the twists and turns of relating to our now 83 year old mom who lives nearest our third sibling, our youngest sister.
My brother is a direct guy, who sometimes struggles with having to deal with mom through another person. As for my sister, she’s a force of nature, and most of the time, I just try to stay out of her way, or hang on tight if I plan to ride along with her. My conversations with her are more sporadic and needs based. We like one another and sometimes vacation together.
My mom loves to try and pass along information between the three of us which more often than not leads to misunderstanding and miscommunication. I never particularly thought of myself as a peacemaker, but I find myself playing the role of mediator between my siblings and mother now that mom is older and living within a mile or so of our sister. Alliances shift as needs change and I am focused on keeping the family dynamic as positive as possible between all of us.
My cousins are like siblings without the baggage. They are always glad to see you or chat with you (probably because it’s far less often than with siblings), conversation is easy and honest, memories are warm and funny. Your shared family is enough to make for hilarious stories without most of the tough stuff you get with siblings.
My particular experience with cousins is an interesting one. One side of the family is delightful while the other was for many years, simply impossible.
It took me the better part of four and a half decades to close the door on more interaction with the impossibles, but now that I have, I’m back to loving my cousin dynamics and relationships. Whenever I see or talk with them, I feel like we get the best of each other in every way.
We grew up with my mom’s side of the family. Mom is a twin and our cousins on that side of the family were always the people we spent weekends and vacations with. We share a family lake house and hunting property and it’s extraordinary to me that I cannot remember a time that we argued, and that we always come together to get work done and bills paid.
We enjoy seeing one another and some of us even take vacations together. Best of all, our kids are the same way, and another generation has come together as the best of friends and family. It makes my heart happy when I hear my only child happily and honestly lean into her close relationships with her cousins and second cousins as though it were the most natural thing in the world.
I realize that what my family has is a dynamic that is fairly rare in today’s world. My mom and dad admitted to not even knowing some of their cousins, although much of that was due to living hundreds or thousands of miles apart.
Those cousins that lived close by were usually rolled right in to family functions and vacations. I think what makes the difference in our family is not giving in to the modern dynamic of keeping fewer people in our lives. We all make an effort with each other and take the time to keep up to date and remember one another in good times and bad.
I can’t tell you how comforting it was to see so many of my dad’s cousins show up from all over to his celebration of life, and to keep in touch with us since. Likewise, I know flying across the country to their important events means a lot to them as well.
I guess in the crazy, electronic world we live in, cousins and siblings are touchstones to what was and still is real in our lives. Even if you haven’t seen or heard from yours in a while, think about sending a Christmas card and personal letter this year or just picking up the phone. There’s nothing like hearing that familiar voice at the end of the line. It’s real and real is pretty wonderful most of the time.
Kris Stewart is a rancher in Paradise Valley, Nevada.