WINNEMUCCA - We continue from last month concerning family stresses when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's, whether you live two blocks away or hundreds of miles. Family understanding and open conversation are essential to making wise and practical decisions. Some decisions are simple, like who will feed the cat, take Dad to his appointments or transport Mom to the grocery store. Other decisions are overwhelming and frustrating and sometimes conflict arises.
Caregiving issues often ignite or magnify family conflicts, especially when people cope differently with caregiving responsibilities. Some family members may deny what is happening, resent you for living far away or believe you are not helping enough no matter where you live or how you have intervened. The family member who visits Grandpa every day has a far different perspective than one who calls once a month and visits once a year. That does not necessarily indicate a lack of love, but rather a variation in the perception of caregiving requirements. Calm demeanor and open-mindedness help to solve worries.
There may also be disagreement about financial and health care decisions. To reduce conflicts, acknowledge that feelings vary and determine ways to work through difficult emotions. Perhaps call a family meeting to talk about caregiving roles and responsibilities. This may alleviate tensions. Remember that opinions may differ but arguments only escalate problems, not solve them. If agreement appears impossible calling on a professional counselor or clergy may help. Do not allow your family to disintegrate in crisis when it is so critical to bond together.
Different actions and reactions are completely normal. Some family members may be hands-on caregivers, responding immediately to issues and organizing resources. Others may be more comfortable with being told to complete specific tasks. Sharing caregiving responsibilities means that everyone is involved in his/her capacity; no surprises or feelings of being unappreciated should exist.
Make a list of tasks and include how much time, money and effort are needed to complete them. Divide tasks according to the family member's preferences and abilities. Housecleaning, trips to the doctor or odd jobs and repairs become easier when working as a team.
Do not to make sudden, irreversible decisions. Time and reflection are important to ensure that the best choice has been made. Just because Mom is moving into extended care does not necessarily mean that this is the time to discard her possessions and sell her home. Even if Grandpa is having forgetful spells this does not necessarily mean that he cannot remain in his home, living fairly independently with part-time caregiving and assistance with paying bills or cooking meals.
Another issue that may arise is dividing assets. This is often the most trying for families as "Dad promised me this" or "Grandma assured me I'd get..." statements occur. Again when families talk early with all direct members involved including the one whose health is the worry, desires can be made clear. This does not mean that all of the family needs to converse directly as grandchildren and in-laws may spout excessive opinions when final determinations need to come from children and spouse. I am not suggesting that you keep secrets, but rather that a few work together and then spread the information beyond.
After gatherings end, continue to talk. Family meetings or conference calls keep everyone up-to-date. Share how things are working, reassess needs and resolve when adjustments are required. It is amazing what security honest communication generates and the understanding it brings.
Caring for a loved one is trying. It is all right to be angry or distraught, confused or frustrated outraged and heartbroken. It is when these emotions overwhelm your life and hurtful lashing out becomes commonplace that family ties may disintegrate, precisely when interaction is so valuable. Our local Alzheimer's Support Group may be the perfect venue for you to come to terms with some of the anxieties of caregiving. We are a group that listens, shares and offers insight and possible choices. We are also a group that refuses to judge, boss or take lightly your fears and apprehension. Members are all traveling through different stages of the disease from first inklings to overcoming the grief and guilt of loss. We are all there to support you.
Friday, May 11, is the date for the annual Northern Nevada Alzheimer's Association Conference in Reno. This informative gathering is the chance to catch up on research and resources. Contact me or visit their website for registration information.
Gini Cunningham is the facilitator for the Alzheimer's Association Support Group, which meets the second Wednesday of each month at noon at Humboldt General Hospital. Her column appears the second Tuesday of each month in the Humboldt Sun. She can be reached via e-mail, gini.cunningham@sbcglobal.net.
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