Just before Christmas my niece walked out into her living room to find that her fiancé had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. While they had both had colds, neither was ill enough to miss work or to go to the doctor. In a flash her world was turned upside-down. I am wondering if can ever be righted.
Because they were not married she had no legal say in events that followed. And since they were both young neither had written down or planned for such an untimely death. The funeral and burial decisions went to his mother; the division of his estate went to his father. Although my niece was able to plan a memorial and his parents were kind, devastating loss of a loved one and a forfeiture of opinions impeded healing. Worst of all in this disaster is the seven-year old child that Don left behind. "Benjamin" had lived with my niece and his father for the past year. He loved her and she had done so many things to help him succeed in school, socially, and in life.
Benjamin's mom could not or would not take care of him, allowing him to miss 54 days of kindergarten. On visitation days she most often said, "No" and just a few days after to Benjamin's dad's death, she was to sign papers giving up all rights to him.
Death changed everything, as the legal mother now had to power to rearrange Benjamin's life to meet her own needs. Snatched from the memorial without a hug or a good-by, Benjamin has vanished. Phone calls and texts are ignored. Legally my niece is helpless.
Why this dreadful story? Because it reminded me of the legal matters that I should, but haven't yet, put in order. If my life ended tomorrow, would my children know my desires? Would they know where banks papers, TSAs, deeds, and so forth are located? If I were to linger, do they know how I feel about heroic, life-saving/prolonging measures? My driver's license marker "Organ Donor" has more information than I have shared with my family.
How about your legal matters? Does your family know your wishes? Not that these will necessarily be followed as in incapacitation, one denial of a loved one's wish throws legalities all a kilter. Even if you have Powers of Attorney for medical and financial decisions, are they current and in filed in Nevada. If Mom lives in California with all papers completed and you decide to move her to Winnemucca, everything changes. These documents do not cross state lines. What happens if she can no longer make medical and legal decisions but she also cannot sign new documents?
When my mom completed Powers of Attorney, she could still sign her name even though many of her other abilities had disappeared and she really had no idea what she was signing. Fortunately there was no criminal intent on the part of her daughters and a family lawyer supported us. While she had never voiced "Do not resuscitate" we knew that she would not want to hang by a thread in the dark depths of Alzheimer's disease. She had never extracted promises of no nursing home, and luckily after her shelter-home stay ended, her home was still available so she could return with round-the-clock care.
Many times my mom had tried to tell me where her important papers were, how she wanted things divided, her ideas for burial, but I blew them off, refusing to let her really get into the particulars. Although I do believe she would have found our choices to be wise, why did I refuse to listen? I hope that I can communicate better with my own children.
So it is time to have the "2013 Talk". I'm preparing for this by writing down all bank accounts, life insurance policies, TSAs, and other financial matters. I'm noting desires for property dispersal . I'm also working on last wishes. As morbid as this sounds as I am writing, it is also a relief. My children will know. Happily (and relievedly!), my kids like each other. They talk, they share, and they understand each other. Most importantly they love me and so I believe that they will do everything possible to fulfill my requests. I hope you also feel the same confidence and peace and that you are set to face this critical challenge of preparation.
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